Reader question time!
I know I am struggling to reduce my urge to consume, but I find it even harder to deal with my kids’, who always want new stuff NOW NOW NOW! (Yes, they yell). How do you think you will handle this as your little one gets older?
This is such a great question. And it’s so huge, too. Because in some ways we want to give kids the choice to make their own life decisions and in some ways we want to make sure we’re raising them ‘right’, so they can make good decisions on their own. So there’s this desirable middle-place and we don’t always know where that is.
For those of you who are new here, I have one daughter, and she will be 3 in a couple of months. Her name is Ellie.
I think it helps a lot that for Ellie’s entire (aware) life, I have known about overconsumption and been active in trying not to participate in it.
Ellie loves looking in op shops just as much as looking in a new-stuff shop, we don’t ‘hang out’ at malls very often. At the moment (and this is very likely to change) she doesn’t have a problem with putting items back on the shelf if I say she can’t take it home. She’s helpful in supermarket shopping and doesn’t really demand things (also likely to change).
exposure
- Spending less time in shops that sell things you don’t want your kids to have, or to ask for, like Target, or shopping centres in general.
- Spending more time in op shops, little handmade shops, good educational toy shops (there is a fantastic one called Windmill that we go to sometimes, which has a few locations in Australia).
giving unexpected presents sometimes
These almost always come from op shops, and they’re usually small, like a book or a container or a necklace. (That’s another thing to remember: think outside the ‘toy’ category and include useful things, too.) You could also make a gift when you have time.
I don’t buy anything for the sake of giving her something, I only buy things I think she’ll appreciate and use. I don’t really keep track of how often I give her things, but it’s probably once every few weeks. Sometimes I put aside things I bought for her to give her later, if I’ve just given her something, because then she has time to appreciate the thing without bombarding her with a bunch of things at once.
Present-giving like this has a few benefits:
- Ellie comes to realise that she doesn’t need to pester me in order to have special things.
- It makes her feel special.
- She doesn’t feel left out if she sees something that I’ve bought for myself that’s come in the mail or something. Since I buy nice things for myself sometimes (and more than just the bare essentials like clothes) Ellie’s entitled to that, too.
on tantrums
When a kid throws a tantrum because you’ve said they can’t have something, the tantrum is probably not happening because the kid desperately needs the thing. There’s an underlying need there.
It’s like when we adults comfort shop. There is something we are missing, something we’re feeling, that causes our desire to buy things. That’s why buying the thing doesn’t help, or if it does, it’s only very temporary. Because that need doesn’t get fulfilled with new stuff.
I don’t want to teach Ellie that buying things solves those underlying needs, and I don’t want to teach her that she can get what she wants (eventually) if she rages about it. So there’s two important things here:
- Trying to identify and solve the underlying need. Young kids just sometimes need a hug, or they might need you to just be there lovingly without judging them (totally hard to do when it feels like everyone in the shop is staring at you and your child). Or they might be hungry or tired, in which case it’s a good idea to make sure those needs are taken care of in advance.
- Not giving them the thing. Saying no and then sticking to it. Because if you don’t stick to it, ‘no’ doesn’t mean no. It means maybe, probably, if you act in a certain way (and kids are really good at finding and testing out those ways). Even different ways that you say no can have different meanings. Anyway, this is easier to do when you remember that giving them the thing does not help them, regardless of what it seems like.
on whining
Older kids won’t throw a tantrum, they whine. I know, because I used to do it. Here I think a couple of things are important:
- Not giving them the thing. For the same reasons as above. No should mean no when you want it to mean no.
- Having a discussion about why they want the thing. Try to come up with alternatives or otherwise meet their deeper need. Not bargaining, just thinking about alternatives, or encouraging them to come up with alternatives. For example, if a kid wants particular expensive shoes because everyone else has them, that’s something you can discuss and make the kid feel better about. And maybe sometimes if it’s really, really important to them, you can give them the shoes. Or help them find an ethical version of the shoes. I occasionally entitle myself to having something that’s really important to me, too, even if it’s not perfectly ethical or doesn’t completely make sense. And be a little considerate of the fact that they don’t necessarily have the same values as you, so let them make their own decisions sometimes.
- Finding activities for them to do that don’t involve buying. Maybe participating with them. And modelling it yourself, too.Learning a craft together is awesome (especially when you can get the supplies second-hand or use what you have lying around, because craft shops are ridiculously sales-oriented, too). Writing stories, being messy, being active, visiting a special place, helping them to be social by joining a group or becoming involved with a volunteer organisation.
- If they’re ready, teaching them about money. I’ll discuss this more below.
on money
So I don’t really believe in kids ‘earning’ money by doing chores or work. To me, that’s not what kidhood is about. Hell, that’s not even what adulthood is for me, seeing as my intention is to get things done and make money doing things I love, not by forcing myself into doing things I don’t.
That’s not to say that kids shouldn’t do chores. But that’s another topic.
Eileen at Consumption Rebellion has written a great post about kids and money.
If you have kids, what are they like with consumption? Where do you draw the line between trying to make sure they grow up mindful, and letting them make their own path?
WOW – everytime I log onto your site you have written about something so close to the forefront of mind its starting to get a little crazy for me!
I have a one yr old and we get by about the same as you descrided with you and Ellie (Awesome name by the way). We spend our time at the park and at the beach rather than in shopping malls so I am hoping that as Aston grows he will crave experiances more than stuff. But I havent fooled myself into thinking we will be immune from a tantrum or two in a toyshop. And like youI try to buy him special little thing as I come arcoss them – but lately I have started making him toys (sock monkey last wk i am very pround of)!
My problem is Christmas and Birthdays – again here I buy very little and what I do get is practical stuff like a chair or paints – not toys! But the rest of his family (My ex – his father especailly) overload him with STUFF!
Do you have this issue? Can I ask family to back off on the toys? I try to suggest books, or I got my mum at christmas to pay for a term of swimming lesson but I wanted to know your thoughts?
Thanks!
Elle
Elle’s last blog ..Where did that week go?
That’s something that I’ve thought lots about, because Ellie gets seriously swamped with gifts on special occasions, too.
I try to remember not to be judgmental. Like I might think a gift is tacky and unethical, but Ellie might fall in love with it.
Also gift-giving can be as much for the person buying the gift as it is for the child. So if you ask family not to give in the way they want, you’re depriving them of that joy of giving to a child they love. For some people that’s really important, for others it might not be.
That said, I have asked my mum not to buy certain things before, and sometimes she’s listened, but I try not to get too uptight about it if she doesn’t (although I have in the past, and probably will again).
So in asking family not to buy certain things, I’d just try to be cautious and consider their feelings, too. In some cases that might mean not asking at all, because they’re unable or unwilling to change and would just feel offended.
Giving people gift ideas is a good way of dealing with it, too.
Yeh i think you are right and thats why I suggest stuff to my mum etc how take as a suggestion not a direction or an insult!
I think also that it is our job as parents to teach our kids the value of the stuff they are given by that I mean “You need to take care of your things” but even more than this the value of experiences, feelings and people and why these things are more special than a particular toy!
And that can be put back on the toy – “This is special because grandma gave it to you”
I hope that make sense – it is not coming out as clear as I had hoped. But as I have to you before good on you for raising these topics. We cant do anything about it if we are not aware and thinking about it regularly!
Elle’s last blog ..Hopeless. . .no lazy but hopeful!!
This was SO interesting!
I passed it on to my best friend who’s a brand-new mother. I think she’d also like to ponder these things. ^_^
roe’s last blog ..Night At The Museum (Holistic Health #2)
Yay! I would love to know what she thinks.
This was a fascinating read. You’re an amazing mother.
Thank you. <3
I agree with what you have written and seems like you are giving your daughter a really solid foundation. My older child is now seven and I think it is really important to do as much as you can before they go to full time school because once they start school there are a whole load of other influences that come into play. As he has gotten older it seems both harder and easier to work against consumerism, – easier because you can have a rational conversation and introduce concepts to him, like marketing, capitalism etc but harder because he is suddenly conscious of peer pressure and since being able to read fluently he is bombarded with marketing messages and adverts. I am trying to teach him to be canny – as the natural state of a 7 year old is to believe all they see and are told, i.e. adverts on TV are all true. My son repeats the mantra “I know, every family is different and we do things a certain way…” as he is trying to figure out why we don’t have playstation, wii, TV in his bedroom, etc, etc. The topic of conversation amongst boys in his class seems to be computer and PS2/ DS games. I hear parents at school (quite intelligent seeming rational people) saying that their child is on the DS for two hours, then on a playstation or PC for an hour and I find myself wondering who is in charge here? Sorry for long rant – you touched a nerve.
Minnado’s last blog ..Summer Sew Along and exciting news
I have a one yr old and I already dread school – MY issue with over consumption is peer pressure, I would be happy to wear the same clothes every day and grow my own veggies and handmake every gift I give but i would fear others would consider me a cheap sake or a bum!
So for a seven yr old it must be tough – but I am telling you now there will be no TV in my kids bedrooms and no way will there be several hours of video games each day!
So keep up the good work and for the record eveything I hated most about my parents rules (eating dinner at the table every night – very little tv etc) are the things I have thanked them for the most as an adult!!
Elle’s last blog ..Hopeless. . .no lazy but hopeful!!
Thanks Elle – that made me smile
I hope I didn’t make having a kid in school sound too bad – it does have a good side too!
Minnado’s last blog ..Summer Sew Along and exciting news
Yes, I know exactly what you’re saying.
I’m reading a book at the moment which has really nailed it for me that there are things we’re drawn to doing, the things that FEED our energry and make us excited to get the chance to do (and that there likely will be many of these things, and we might not stick to them as long as others think we should).
I think those things that excite us, in whatever present moment, totally trump doing things like playing video games and watching TV and surfing the Internet in boredom. In the sense that we’d much rather do them than do the mindless stuff. It’s just that other crap bogs us down, and the mindless stuff is what we do when we get stuck.
Anyway, I think that’s just as relevant with kids, if not more.
I know that doesn’t address your point fully (because I can’t think of anything else you could do about peer pressure that you’re not already doing) but I thought you might find it interesting.
As a mother of a toddler myself, that was a fantastic post! A really good read, thanks!
Erica Louise’s last blog ..Doc Martens, Love or Loathe?
You’re very welcome!
Thanks for posting about this topic. I have two girls aged 18mths and 4, and I find the “I need this ….” is constant from the 4 year old. Advertising does not help, we are now in the process of starting to educate her about money (at a 4 year old level) I think she is starting to get it as she has been saving for over a week (a long time when your 4) for a camera (seen on t.v.) via coins found at home – some I admit to leaving out for her so I cant tell her how much it is etc. The other big problem I find is going to other kids houses – she often comes home and says she hates all her toys or again off with the “I need…”. The good news is she loves shopping in op shops and I also do the gifting the same as you to try and curb the ‘want/need’ debates. We craft together and she sees me doing a lot of this also because of my business. We can only hope as parents, as we muddle our way through, that they grow up knowing about living sustainably and understanding that having ‘things’ doesn’t make you happy. I wish we could go back to my day when it was safe to ride your bike in the street, there was less advertising, and definitely less cheap plastic products around to temp them at every turn.
Look forward to your next post. Michelle
Great points, Michelle. We can only do the best we can and hope for the best!
And yeah, I’m really not looking forward to the stage when Ellie sees what other kids have and wants it all.
Although, we’re looking at alternative schools, like Steiner or Montessori style ones, and I’m hoping the consumerism won’t be as rampant in those. But we’ll see!
Thanks Hayley – what is that book you are reading?
Minnado’s last blog ..Summer Sew Along and exciting news
It’s Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher.
I’m planning a review post about it within the next couple of days, because it’s seriously changing how I think about productivity, instinct, and what makes me happy.